process

My novel, my baby, is with beta readers. I’ve had a trickle of comments so far, but I’ve still got a few weeks to wait before I receive their full feedback. The first few days killed me. I opened up Google Docs more times than I should have only to see no one had started. Instant gratification this was not.

And then, as comments started coming in, the negative comments killed me. I wanted to get defensive, wanted to argue with them, wanted to protect my baby novel that I’d worked so hard on. How could these words I’d slaved over be anything but perfect? I wanted to tell them they were wrong.

Only, they weren’t wrong. I was.

I had to remind myself this is what the beta process is all about. That each of their opinions is valid and valuable. That their feedback is only going to make my book stronger. I was thinking of any suggestions as “negative.” But how could they be anything but positive? These “negative” suggestions are going to make my story even better than it was before. I could see the effort and thought these wonderful betas had put into my story, that they wouldn’t be providing this feedback if they weren’t invested.

And as soon as I made myself believe that (which took some effort), I let out the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. Taking this next step in my writing was terrifying, and I think that fear of letting other people see my work seeped into my initial response to feedback. But I don’t want to let fear define my writing journey. I want to be better than my anxiety.

Being an anxious perfectionist makes writing a particularly bittersweet passion. In the past, I’ve seen any negative results or feedback as confirmation to not continue. If I wasn’t the best, why bother?

But perfect is an ever-moving goalpost that I’m never going to reach. I can keep moving, even if I’m not perfect, even if I sometimes get negative results. I can keep moving towards seeing my words in print. Because even if they aren’t perfect, they will be mine.

Last week, I sent my novel to my first ever beta readers. I knew that this was part of the process. I knew, as churned through revisions, that someone would eventually have to read what I’d slaved over. And still, I dragged my feet. I dragged my feet for weeks as I fiddled with commas and rearranged sentences.

I was scared of turning my novel loose. I was scared because what if this thing that I’d poured my heart and soul into was no good? What if the readers hated it and I’d wasted months and years working on this one story?

But I knew it was time. I knew if I didn’t do this, my writing would stagnate. And it still took my therapist imposing an arbitrary deadline on me to push me over the edge and press the send button.

I chose one person, a person I trusted not to break my heart, and sent it to them. I didn’t really sleep that night. How could I? I’d put all my dreams in one basket.

But a funny thing happened the morning after. I woke up, and suddenly betas didn’t seem so scary anymore. It was like diving into the deep end. When you’ve done it once, the subsequent attempts aren’t nearly as terrifying.

So I posted on Twitter that I needed beta readers. If I say that it was one of the scariest things I’ve done, don’t laugh. Putting yourself out there, especially if you have anxiety, is no joke.

And then I started getting responses. And hitting that send button was a lot easier the second, and the third, and the fourth time.

I’m not sure what all of the feedback will look like. I’m not sure how I’ll handle the negatives. But I’m so, so glad that I did it. I know this was an important step in my writing journey.

So if, like I did, you’re contemplating the send button with anxiety, close your eyes. Take a deep breath. And send it.

Because the worst that will happen is, yes, you’ll get bad feedback. But guess what? All feedback makes you stronger. It doesn’t mean that what you’ve written is no good. It just means that it can get better. There is no wasted time with writing. Everything you write, everything you read, everything you edit, makes you a stronger writer.

Everything about this crazy writing dream can be scary. Every story you read about making it to publication is different, every blog and website wants to tell you the absolute dos and don’ts of the process, every person wants to tell you how difficult getting published will be. But I think there’s a secret no one tells you: nobody really knows what they’re doing.

I don’t really know what I’m doing.

But that’s okay. Because I’m determined to figure it out.

Tag: process

(Im)perfectionism

Betas are Scary. Everything is Scary.

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